Don’t Get Me Anything = You Better Get Me A Gift?

That’s IT? This weekend is our first wedding anniversary. I guess we can no longer call ourselves newlyweds. Eric says I’ll be an old married hag after the weekend. Well, at least officially now. :-)

An interesting thing happened when Eric was traveling for work recently. He had dinner with several co-workers that he doesn’t see very often and they remembered that about this time last year he was getting married. Eric confirmed that our anniversary was approaching.

“So, what are you getting her?”

Eric said “Nothing, we decided not to give gifts for this anniversary”.

“You’re kidding, right? Did she say it was ok not to get her a gift?”

“Yes, we both discussed it and decided that we weren’t going to exchange gifts”.

They couldn’t believe it and refused to accept that I didn’t want anything for our anniversary. All four of them promptly informed Eric that he better get me gift and that it better be a good one. “Jewelry is a clear winner” one of them said with the others nodding in agreement. Another talked about how he had to get his wife something really nice for their first anniversary. They even called over the waitress to ask her what she thought (for a woman’s perspective) and she said “That’s code”. They all felt Eric was making a grave mistake.

Eric, feeling pressured, said that we were going to go out to a nice dinner instead. That seemed to placate the group as they responded that nice dinners are good and that should help. But they still stressed that he better also get me something nice.

When Eric told me this story a few days ago I felt a little insulted. They assumed that I would say one thing while meaning the opposite and that I would be disappointed when he actually did what we agreed on. And they implied that Eric was naive and didn’t understand what I really wanted if he didn’t get me a fancy gift.

Surely not all of these guys got into marriages with women that expect gifts despite saying the contrary. I have to hope that this conversation was some sort of guys-against-girls bonding episode using the stereotype that women always want (and expect) sparkly things. Eric says they were dead serious, though.

I told Eric that he should’ve replied “For our anniversary we are buying a home”. I think that is a damn good gift!

I think the best gift he could give me is working together as a team to buy this new home. Not buying me a present is exactly what I want. It shows his level of commitment to our goal and his ability to avoid social pressure.

If Eric had bought me jewelry I would have been mortified. That may be hard for some people to believe but it is the honest truth. I would have felt betrayed because buying me something like that goes against everything we have been working so hard for this year.

What we are doing to celebrate our anniversary is using some gift certificates we got from cashing in some credit card points to go to dinner. This will give us a nice evening out without affecting our pocket book. I think that is lovely and very appropriate. It makes me smile to think we are celebrating our first anniversary on a dime to help us meet our goal.

Besides, isn’t the first anniversary the “paper” anniversary, anyway? Shouldn’t a card be enough?

Update: Even as I prepare to post this Eric is still asking me if I really am ok with no gifts. Before going to that dinner he never questioned if he was doing the right thing by accepting my wishes at face value. Societal norms can really mess with you, huh?

Image Source: Swamibu

Saving Money But Losing Touch

Awwww I went to breakfast with my best friend this morning. We have been friends since high school and have been lucky to have moved to the same town later on in life.

Today was the first time in a long time that we had planned to meet. We used to meet for breakfast pretty frequently, usually once a week. Lately though, things had changed and we would go weeks without seeing each other. This had been bothering me and after a bit of reflection I realized that it seemed to coincide with my new frugal lifestyle.

I asked her about it and told her my concerns that we hadn’t been getting together as often. She said that she knew I have been saving up for this house…

Was my change in lifestyle affecting our relationship?

Could she be afraid of derailing my success in saving up for a home by asking me to breakfast?

Had I neglected my friend by not figuring breakfasts (our special time together) into my budget?

I’m sure it must have been a shock for her to see me go from living completely beyond my means to living on a fraction of my income in order to save aggressively. My friend isn’t a spendthrift but she also doesn’t manage her spending by budgeting like I do now. I wondered if my new attitude on spending money might be making her uncomfortable. Perhaps she thought I might judge her spending now that I have cut back so much. I needed to let her know that wasn’t the case.

We talked about it and I realized she was very proud of me and how I had set myself a goal and was working towards it. By not asking me to breakfast she was trying to support my efforts. I assured her that meeting for breakfast wasn’t a problem and that it wouldn’t break the bank.

I realized that in prioritizing my spending I had neglected to budget for something very important to me. I will now be adding a modest “breakfast” category to my budget to ensure that I don’t forget where my priorities really are. I will make sure I spend that budget every month, too. The time I spend with her is absolutely worth it.

Image Source: kalandrakas

When Saying No Helps Your Family

How can I retire now? I’ve been pretty busy here the last couple of weeks. Between packing the old house up in anticipation of our move, I’ve also had to do some work-related travel. Needless to say I need to get some more time to catch up.

I multi-tasked today, and spent some time doing work around the house while I called some family and friends. Multi-tasking is great, and I always feel more productive when I find a way I can do it easily.

I had a quick chat with a good friend who told me a disturbing story. His wife’s grandparents have spent all of their retirement savings. They have many years left, and not a lot of money with which to live.

The problem on their part wasn’t poor planning. It has to do with some unscrupulous family members who have taken advantage of their elderly grandparents. This story really upset me.

For a little background, my friend’s aunt has had a history of living a hard-partying lifestyle. Her hard-partying ways have made it difficult for her to keep a job, and her children’s father has been in jail for some time. She has very little money, and is not doing much to improve her situation. She has been “borrowing money” from the grandparents to support her lifestyle. In essence, she’s been stealing their retirement funds.

It gets worse. When she decided that having her children live with her was too expensive, she dumped them on the grandparents. These children appear to have learned some bad habits from their mother as they have also been taking advantage of their grandparents. Even as they have grown into adulthood, they are still using their grandparents to support their lifestyles.

At this point, the grandparents’ savings have been depleted, and they have been forced to take out a mortgage on their home (which was paid off) in order to continue supporting their family. Why are they in this situation?

These poor folks just don’t have the courage/desire/ability to say “no”.

Normally I would wholeheartedly applaud them for helping their family. I think helping your family is of critical importance. At one point, this situation might have been about a family in need, but now it’s more about the family’s resistance to learn to live on their own. The grandparents are just funding their grown family’s lifestyles and they can’t afford this. In a misguided effort to help them, they are actually doing harm to their family and especially themselves.

The oldest child is old enough to get a job and move out on his own, but instead he prefers to mooch off of the grandparents and go party with his friends. I feel bad for the grandparents for being in this situation, but they’re the ones that have to stand up and put an end to it. Their daughter (the children’s mother) should also find a job and learn to live within her means instead of living her hard-partying, low responsibility lifestyle.

My friend is extremely angry about this and has been trying to help the grandparents. He has, for years, been warning them about what is going on and suggesting what they need to do to fix the situation. He’s confronted the kids and their mother about what they are doing to the family and to their grandparent’s future. Unfortunately, nothing has improved despite his best efforts and now the situation is serious.

In order to clean up this situation, I think the following things will have to happen:

The grandparents will have to stop supporting their adult family. They need to be taking care of their own financial situation right now.
The grandkids will have to leave the house and learn to be independent. This means getting jobs and paying their own bills.
Their daughter will have to find a new source of income, hopefully by going back to work. She needs to understand that her parents will no longer be able to support her lifestyle.
The grandparents will have to radically change the way they were intending to retire. The damage has been done and their savings is gone. Age-related health problems make going back to work out of the question. They are going to have to pinch their pennies now more than ever.

No doubt these changes are going to cause a lot of strife in the family. The greed and immoral behavior of a few is hurting many other family members who must now help the grandparents financially just to make ends meet. They are also going to have to find some way to ensure they are only helping the grandparents, and not continuing to fund the lifestyles of a few freeloading family members. If the grandparent’s would stand up and say “no”, the entire family would be better off.

Sometimes, when you think you are helping someone, you are really hurting them. This can extend beyond just you, and start to affect the others you love. In this case, we’ve got grandparents with no retirement, kids and grandchildren who don’t know how to support themselves, and now additional family members have to be involved in order to help pay for the grandparent’s retirement. It’s essential to know when to say “no”.

Photo by pedrosimoes

I’m Responsible For One Of The Worst Interviews Ever

He only looked good on paper I guess Shortly after leaving my consulting job I got a position within the same industry that required much less travel. After a few months at my new job an old work acquaintance (let’s call him David) contacted me to see how I was doing. I explained that I liked the new position with this smaller company and he asked if I could get him an interview.

David said he was a newlywed now and had a baby on the way. He needed to slow or eliminate his traveling. He said that he really needed a new job as soon as possible because he would have to quit the consulting lifestyle when the baby came in just a few months. He sounded like he really needed help. His resume looked good so I agreed to pass along it along to my new boss.

Mistake #1 – Passing along a resume for a guy I barely knew to my brand new employer.

I told my manager that I hadn’t worked with David much but the experience I did have working with him was positive. My manager reviewed the resume, noticed he had the same job title as me from the old company, and set up an interview for the end of that week. He thanked me for the referral. I felt good. Maybe I had just helped out my new company and an ex-coworker at the same time.

I knew he was interviewing on Friday but I didn’t know what time. That afternoon I was surprised to hear some managers laughing as I approached. They asked me if I was the one who referred David. I said, “Yes, he was a fellow consultant from XYZ.” They laughed and said I should speak to my boss. Thoroughly confused, I went to my manager and asked him what had happened. I was shocked and mortified by what I heard.

David showed up to the interview in casual attire (shorts, of all things) with his pregnant wife in tow. When they brought him back to the interview room he proceeded to bring his wife along. They had to ask that she remain in the reception area for the formal interview. David was surprised by this and seemed to expect that she could join them.
During the interview his replies were very informal and framed with “My wife and I” and “we”. It appeared that he wasn’t answering for himself but on behalf of him and his wife. This continued even when questioned about his skills and work history. Weird. Even my boss said it was creepy.
David said that if he did have to travel, his wife would likely be joining him. He mentioned that his wife was already coming along on many of his consulting trips. When you are on-site for only 4 days a week you are still expected to get 40 billable hours. I’m sure my boss wondered if he was really putting in long hours if his wife was coming along.
The interview was held during work hours so my manager asked David what he had been up to that day to get a feel for his current job duties. David casually explained that they had done a little shopping and caught some lunch before coming to the interview. When asked if he took the day off he replied that he rarely worked on Fridays and that it was “no big deal”. (Note: With my old company Fridays were often spent traveling or working on administrative tasks. We were at home but if we weren’t doing billable work for a client we were still on company time). Great. So he admitted in the interview that he has no problem running errands, going to restaurants, and interviewing while on paid time. That’s a rock solid work ethic right there, folks.

After the interview my boss told upper management about this being the most bizarre interview he had ever done. It became a running joke in the company and my name was attached as the new girl who “referred him”.

How does this relate to personal finance? Well, I think it does in many ways. This horrible interview could have affected MY job. I was lucky that it didn’t (thank goodness I was producing decent work by that time) but it certainly could have, especially as the “new girl”. I hadn’t even met many of the managers that heard about this so how is that for a first impression? After that incident I had to wonder what the company thought of me for referring this guy. Would they question my work ethic and overall judgment? After all, it appeared as if I endorsed him by passing along the resume. The last thing I wanted was to be associated with that kind of unprofessional behavior.

Needless to say, David didn’t receive a call back. I was upset with him for embarrassing me after I did him a favor when he needed help. The interview was so bad that someone actually asked me if he had something against me, implying that he might have done it on purpose. I guess nobody could believe that he didn’t know better, either.

Looking back on it, I realize that I probably should have just told David to apply on his own through the regular channels. Or if I still wanted to help him by giving my boss his resume, I should have emphasized that I didn’t have much experience working with him and avoided giving any feedback. I shouldn’t have said that my experience with him was good because that experience was obviously too limited.

I sure learned my lesson with that one. At least it’s good for a laugh now.

Coupon Karma

Use your couponing power for good, not evil! Many times after clipping coupons I’d be left with only a handful that I’d want to use and a large stack of ones I wouldn’t. I didn’t want to simply throw the unwanted coupons away. After all, just because I didn’t want them didn’t mean they would be worthless to others, right?

Put something that might otherwise be wasted to good use and spread the love by helping others save money. Here are 4 simple ways to generate good coupon karma.

1. Leave coupons you aren’t using next to the products in the store. If I have a coupon for something I know I’m not going to use, before it expires I’ll leave the coupon next to the product on the shelf. That way when others come to buy that item they can save a little money with the coupon. For items like soap, where I’m doing my price comparisons among many brands, I’ll have multiple coupons with me. After choosing the best deal, I’ll leave the “losing” offers behind with the products. It doesn’t cost me any additional time (the coupons are already in my hand) and I hope they help someone out. I know how lucky I feel when I find a random coupon in the store for something I am planning on buying. Maybe others will feel that way, too.

2. Give other shoppers coupons for products they are already buying. I tend to have several copies of each coupon with me in case I find a good sale. When I see someone getting something I know I have a coupon for, and I’m not intending to use it, I’ll give it to them. So many people are thankful for this, even if it only saves a few pennies. I really think the gesture often means more than the savings. I’m surprised at how many people seem shocked that a stranger would help them. I hope it inspires them to do something nice for other people they meet.

3. Give away the coupons you definitely won’t use to your neighbors. I only carry the coupons that I have a possibility of using. Many coupons never even enter my file because they are for items I wouldn’t buy even if they were on super sale (e.g. diapers). I clip every coupon in the flyers (it only takes a few more minutes) and put the ones I have no intention of using in a bag. I give those to my friends and neighbors and encourage them to spread them around. I hate the idea of coupons going to waste when someone might find value in them. At least this way they have a chance of being useful instead of going directly into the recycling bin.

4. If you see someone struggling with a price decision, help them out. Provided you aren’t being intrusive, of course. A few weeks ago I saw a woman browsing the spaghetti sauce section as I was stocking up on a special. I noticed she was putting 2 larger bottles of the same sauce I was getting in her cart. I casually pointed out the smaller version had a great in-store coupon and was a better deal if she was interested. She looked at it, realized it was a much better deal, and was grateful for the tip. As I left the aisle I saw her stocking up, too. Maybe it’s just the Girl Scout in me but it feels good to help people out.

Remember – you don’t want to be a coupon nazi. Only help when it looks like help would be welcome and don’t be pushy or intrusive. Helping is one thing, being nosy and bothersome is quite another.