Embarrassed By Your Accomplishments?

Posted on February 1, 2008 by Melissa
Filed Under Housing, Psychology, Relationships

THAT’S your new house?? I find myself in a strange dilemma these days. I often get asked how I like the new house and to tell them all about it. I consider getting the new home to be a huge accomplishment for us. It took effort, sacrifice, and hard work to manage to “move up”.

But with many significant accomplishments – like getting a nice home, a hefty promotion at work, or an upscale item - you have to figure out how to handle it gracefully with others.

How do you remain humble about your accomplishments without others thinking you are dissatisfied, embarrassed, or even rude?

Here are two scenarios I have encountered recently:

Does she even like the house?

I’m a humble person by nature. I just don’t want to “toot my own horn” around others. When people ask me about the house I usually reply that I really like it and that it works well for us. Recently, some friends thought my lack of exuberance on the subject meant that I must be unhappy with it for some reason. They asked Eric if I even liked the home. They couldn’t have been more wrong.

I absolutely love my new home. It’s perfect. I simply feel uncomfortable gushing on and on about how awesome my new house is to other people. I feel like its bragging.

I suppose they were looking forward to me telling them all about my house and were disappointed when I spoke in general terms and not of specifics. If someone asks me questions about the home (how big is it, what kind of countertops, etc) I’m happy to answer them but I’m not inclined to spend a lot of time talking about all the upgrades without being prompted. It feels like showing off to me.

Nobody likes that guy at the party who talks about how cool his brand new yacht is and how it has the best of everything. I don’t really want to listen to that guy and I certainly don’t want to become that guy. I feel a discreet reply is the appropriate way to show my happiness with the home without shoving my accomplishment in everyone’s faces.

When can we come over?

Our last house was in a modest neighborhood and we have a friendly relationship with one of our neighbors there. We talk and help each other out but we never have dinner together or anything like that. You can say that we’re cordial but not close.

When we run into them while at the old house they say that they want to come see the new home. We say we will invite them when we are more settled. Just yesterday, I got a phone call from her saying she was driving around in our new neighborhood trying to find our home. She wanted to stop by unannounced. Thank goodness I had plans already because I have been avoiding this situation.

The neighbors are wonderful people but I’m reluctant to ask them over. We don’t know them very well so I wonder if they will view us differently or if it could make them feel bad in some way. Let me explain.

When we talked this week she told me that the cable guy had just stopped by their house because they were so late on their payments. She had to write them a check right then to keep service going. She explained how terrible they were with money and how they just never figured it all out. She even said: “I’m 20 years older than you; you would think we would have learned this by now.”

Bringing her to this house, which is considered an upgrade from our old neighborhood, makes me feel immodest and a little insensitive - especially after she told me of their money issues this week. I know we worked hard and sacrificed a lot for our new home, and that their financial problems aren’t my fault, but it still doesn’t make me feel better about the situation.

In the same way that people may hesitate having “rich” friends in their home due to embarrassment or fear of judgment, I’m having the same sort of concerns. I think it goes both ways. To me, it’s kind of like talking about having a fully funded emergency fund to your friends who are living paycheck to paycheck.

I know many people would say that I’m crazy to feel funny in these situations. I should be proud to show off my successes to everyone, right? It isn’t that I’m not proud of how far we have come – I absolutely am. Maybe part of it is because I understand how it can feel being on the other side.

I can admit that I’ve seen my friend’s new Lexus or Sub-Zero fridge and felt that pang of jealousy. Hell, I’ve been jealous of my sister’s gorgeous kitchen for a long time now. Now that I finally have a kitchen I’m proud of, I just can’t help but be humble about it to others.

Have you ever felt embarrassed to talk about an accomplishment to others? How did you deal with it? Leave a comment and let us know!

If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to our RSS feed, get the posts via email, read more about the blog in our about page, or browse our archives. Thanks for visiting!

Comments

9 Responses to “Embarrassed By Your Accomplishments?”

Tony on February 1st, 2008 2:10 pm

What a great post, I often feel embarrassed by our success and others (usually family members) sometimes find a way to make hurtful passive-aggressive comments.

Right now we live in a small house, because we are both students, but people are always saying, “oh you have to have us over to your huge house when you’re a lawyer…” or something to that effect.

It is difficult to deal with success, especially when those around you are not as successful. For me this always materializes into wanting to provide for other members of my family who will not make as much as I will/do.

The best way I’ve found to deal with this is to privately reward yourself for your hard work and diligence and publicly maintain a humble, straightforward attitude about your accomplishments.
Kacie on February 1st, 2008 2:46 pm

I totally understand. On one hand, we shouldn’t be boastful or braggy. But on the other–we should be proud of our accomplishments.

I think you can mention your sacrifice and hard work without coming across as bragging. And, you might be an inspiration to other people for how they can make their money work for them.
Kyle on February 1st, 2008 2:48 pm

I agree with Tony. Stay humble! That is a great character trait. But at the same time don’t forget to celebrate your accomplishments. I think by doing that you will be setting a good role model to your old neighbors and those who struggle with their finances. They just might learn from you and figure how you and your husband got to where you are.
fathersez on February 2nd, 2008 1:22 am

Don’t worry too much about this.

You have earned your right to your new house. You need not flaunt it though. A humble stand will always serve you well.
The Finance Journey » Interesting Posts From Elsewhere 02-02-2008 on February 2nd, 2008 9:42 am

[...] Melissa at A Penny Closer talks about being humble while not seeming Embarrassed By Your Accomplishments. [...]
Debbie M on February 2nd, 2008 2:06 pm

Oh, gosh. When I ask someone about their new house, car, job or other exciting thing, it’s because I’m excited for them. Seeing them happy makes me happy.

Now, for people who don’t ask me about my new accomplishments, I feel just the way you do and don’t discuss them much at all.

Your second situation may actually be similar to the first one. Your neighbor may be happy for you or she may just think it’s fun to see inside different kinds of houses. You could tell her that the reason you haven’t invited her in is that you’re worried about hurting her feelings and see what she says. But maybe just seeing what is possible could motivate her to do better.
Caryn Verell on February 2nd, 2008 8:32 pm

your one friend/acquaintance from the old neighborhood probably knows already the hard work and sacrifice it took for you to move up. for heavens’ sake, invite her over for coffee and a tour…maybe she needs a little encouragement or information on just how you did it…not inviting her over for a looksee is a rude way of treating your 1 friend from the old neighborhood…you do not have to brag etc..just be kind.
Susan on February 4th, 2008 8:41 am

We don’t say much to anyone either. When someone asks (usually my not-so-good-with-money sister), we just say thank you and that we worked really hard to get there or “it”. As it happens, she finally asked for help with her money situtation. She said she was ashamed and wanted help from us to learn to do better. So, maybe this neighbor is trying to get closer to learn from you. You never know!
plonkee on February 4th, 2008 2:33 pm

I always feel bad - the only reason that I could afford to buy my house is that I got lucky with some stock options.

I also downplay my academic successes. It’s pretty hard to say the truth - I did well, not particularly because I worked hard, but because I’m just good at maths. Fortunately, I have a bunch of friends in the same position as me.